Ranking NIC-10 Mascots By Their Ability To Beat Me In A Fight
Two of us enter and only one can leave.
We are just one week away from bringing you high school football over the airwaves on 1440 WROK. The NIC-10 will be a battle this year on the field but how would you face in a mortal combat with the mascot from each of the schools? Let's take a look.
Here are the rules:
- I am unarmed. The mascot is equipped with any traditional weaponry.
- Any animals have a singular desire to kill me.
- Battles are to the death
Here's the order from certain death to easy victory:
1. Boylan Titans
Do you know what a Titan is? These were the gods that roamed the earth BEFORE Zeus and his posse. Cronos (one of the 12 Titans) was literally Zeus' dad. Not only are these guys gods but they were massive. The size of mountain ranges. I wouldn't stand a chance against one of these even if I had a nuclear weapon.
Chance of survival: negative ∞%
Side note. It's interesting that the only non-secular school in the NIC-10 has the only non-secular mascot but it's not even from their affiliated religion. Something to think about.
2. Belvidere North Blue Thunder
After some debate among co-workers, we decided that "Blue Thunder" refers to a singular (possibly demonic) horse and not a herd of (possibly demonic) horses. My only shot is to possibly break a leg and even then how do I take it out? Choke it? The logistics are NOT in my favor.
Chance of survival: < 1% (0% if the horse is in fact demonic)
3. Belvidere Buccaneers
We've reached the human section of the rankings. A buccaneer is the only one of the human mascots that might come with a gun. Even if I dodge the initial musket blast, I'm sure he's got a blade in that scabbard.
Chance of survival: 2%
4. Hononegah Indians
Another human opponent with a ballistic weapon, this time in the form of a bow and arrow or possibly a spear. I'm less likely to die from an arrow but the ensuing tomahawk attack will surely do me in.
Chance of survival: 4%
5. Guilford Vikings
We've lost all projectile weapons so now it's all hand to hand combat. I'm basing this off the classical Berserker Viking who would go into combat while in a trance-like state. I have one chance to counter an initial move. If, and most likely when, that fails I'm a goner but there's a small chance.
Chance of survival: 8%
6. Auburn Knights
Our final competitor in the quartet of human NIC-10 mascots. My only hope against the knight is that he is wearing cumbersome armor that will limit mobility. I might also be able to spin the helmet around to render him sightless. If I achieve that then I just steal his sword/battle ax/halberd and it's game over.
Chance of survival: 15%
7. Harlem Huskies
I have two huskies and there's no way either of them can kill me. I'm going to sacrifice a forearm to a bite but after that, I'm just rolling over him and using my 150-pound advantage to win the fight.
Chance of survival: 100% (95% if the husky is rabid)
8. Jefferson J-Hawks
This one is a little interesting. There's no such thing as a J-Hawk. A Jayhawk is just someone from Kansas but I don't think that's what they're going for. For our purposes, I'm basing my decision on a regular hawk. I can kill a hawk with my bare hands. Worst case scenario for me is that the hawk perfectly lands on my face and gouges out both my eyes. Even blind, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get a hold of the bird and destroy it.
Chance of survival: 100%
9. Freeport Pretzels
N/A. East E-RABs
For those that don't know, E-RAB stands for East Red and Black. How do you fight a color? What IS a color? These are questions for philosophers, not me.
DISCLAIMER: Other than the bag of hot buffalo wing Snyder's I crushed the other day, no mascots were harmed in researching this blog.